Recently I was notified that I'll be receiving
an award for a piece I wrote in regards
to body image, confidence,
and my love for writing.
I'm very hesitant to post this because
it was emotional for me to write in the first place,
but I'm publishing it in hopes that someone
who has once felt this way seeks comfort in my words.
Thank you for 10,000 views.
It means the world, moon, and the stars to me.
xo,
K.
"As
I looked in the mirror, I saw a girl looking back at me who was absolutely
petrified. She trembled at the sight of
her own body, crying and sobbing with mascara based tears rolling down her rosy
cheeks. She grabbed every imperfection and grasped it tightly, wishing to
herself that it would all just be perfect, and that the bullying and
“fat-jokes” would just stop. I was that
girl, and living a life of praying for perfection everyday was slowly killing
me. I was 16, the outcast, the fat girl, and the most self-conscious teenager
in the entire world.
The thing about me, is I’ve changed a
lot in the past five years. It’s incredible to think, at that age, there were days I refused to get up, leave the comfort of my own bedroom, simply because of the fear of opinions of others. I couldn't stand myself. I knew, at some point, spiraling mindset would be my absolute downfall. I had to become
someone that other people would look at and say “she never gave up.”
When I graduated high-school in 2011, it
honestly felt like I had left 5,000 pounds of stress in the hallways which once
were wrapped in name calling and jokes. I started chasing my dreams. I wanted
to make those people who called me those god awful names in high school resent
ever letting those bitter words dance across their lips. I enrolled in a community
college which offered a degree in something I had fallen so deeply in love
with, but never had the chance to embrace. Fashion Buying and Retail
Merchandising was my outlet. I discovered styles of the past and present, the
basic terminology of an industry known for critiquing girls like me, and just
what I needed to do to be taken seriously in this world.
I’ve always had a passion for writing. It
hit me one day as I was writing in my online dairy, that maybe there was
someone else who felt how I did. I am a plus sized girl, who refuses to settle
for wrap dresses. I say this, because in the fashion world, people who are
above a size 12, which is below the average size of the typical American woman,
is considered “plus sized.” I am also currently 21 years old, which is far
below the typical demographic of any plus sized retailer. I needed to find a
way to be able to help girls, like me, find their passion, inner confidence,
and individual style, and not have to feel like they do not belong in this world
of opinions and tape measures. I may sound silly, but with a decreasing
waistline becoming our definition of “beautiful”, there is an increasing rate
of teenage suicides, depression, and self-harm simply because young girls
cannot see past size labels.
I graduated with my associate’s degree in
2013 from Nassau Community College, decided to head south like most
Long-Islanders do at some point, and pursue my love of fashion at Johnson and
Wales University in Charlotte, North Carolina. In the meantime, I began posting
tips and tricks to cosmetic application, and fashion styling on a website
called blogger. In all honesty, I really just did it for fun. I loved to write.
I really, at some points, thought of myself as the younger, modern, plus sized brunette
version of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. The thing is, people began
reading it.
I was at my laptop one night right before I
left for my first term at Johnson and Wales, when I received an email from a
graduate of Columbia University, named Stephanie Licata. Stephanie applauded my
efforts in gaining inner confidence, and asked me to write a column for her
women’s mentoring blog. I first didn’t know what to make of it, but I soon
realized this was my chance to give back. I could finally reach out to teenage
girls, like 16 year old me, and tell them that it was okay not to be a size two
Barbie look-alike.
I wrote the column for about 3 months, and
in that time I received numerous emails from girls who, like me, were bullied
and bashed for their curves. Until that point, I had never really felt like I
had a purpose in this world. I just kind of saw myself walking along a mediocre
path that had no distinct ending. I found my light in social media. I began
publicly speaking about my blog, passing out business cards, and actually
speaking about my struggle to family and friends who never knew how dark some
of my days truly were. I now write my own women’s styling, motivation, and just
day to day type blog which has recently reached 9,000 views. Though half of
those views were probably from my mom, I find happiness in knowing that maybe www.kristenicolex.blogspot.com helped a teenage girl, grabbing her belly
with mascara running down her face, make it through another day of high school
hell.
I myself find it hard to believe that
I’ve come this far. I never use to
engage in conversations with people, because I was terrified of the words that
they would utter after I spoke. I now walk with my head in the clouds, even
though people think this is a bad thing, and I am probably one of the happiest
girls in the world. I speak out against those who use harsh words and hashtags
to bring other people down. I refuse to let anyone in my grasp take the sunrise
the day after their worst night for granted. There is no reason to leave this
earth when there are so many beautiful things to see, simply because someone
made fun of your stretch marks in the locker room.
I’ve come to find that we all truly have a
purpose here. I hope that my words encourage people to dress in a way that
makes them feel comfortable and beautiful and unafraid. I pray that out of
those 9,000 views, at least one of them was through the eyes of a girl like me,
and that my words of encouragement truly affected the way she saw herself in
the mirror."
