I'd normally start by apologizing for my lack of posts in the last few weeks, but I'm not going to do that. I have been a mess these past few weeks and I really don't know how to explain it or describe it other than a "funk." I've started a new incredible job, moved into a beautiful new apartment with my best friend, and I am doing everything possible to make myself happy first. Here's the thing; I don't think I am unhappy, because my life is full of so much love, but there have been days where I literally cannot pull myself out of bed.
Some of the closest people in my life are the ones I'm pushing away and that terrifies me, and I can't stop. I don't know how to talk about what's "wrong" because I literally have no idea what to say. I feel like I'm writing this today because I have so many words built up inside of me and I needed to spit something out before I explode. Maybe it's hormones, or what not, but I'm so ready to feel like myself again. When I catch myself literally struggling to get in the shower, or get out of the car to go into a shop, or to do my hair, I get so agitated. I get irritable and hard to be around and I can't help but fear that people will be disheartened and leave. And maybe I haven't been the best friend lately, but god fucking damnit, I am fighting something bigger than myself and I'm tired of apologizing for not "hanging out." If I were in others shoes, I wouldn't want to be around me either, but you see, what I think makes me different than others is I over sympathize with any situation. I make myself look like a fucking jackass, and I try to cling to people who push me away, so I internally think the same will be done in return. And yet, it hasn't. And I end up looking like the bad guy. And I'm not shocked.
So what I'm saying, and asking, for anyone who has beautiful eyes that dance along this rant, is for a little support, and understanding, that know that sometimes anxiety is weird. And hard to handle. What does one do to pull yourself out of this?
With all of my love,
K.
