I’ve realized recently, after hearing the cliche for many many years, that it is impossible to love someone, until you love yourself. In the last year, I’ve felt the furthest from my “self” that I’ve ever been. I stopped loving. I stopped caring. I stopped feeling. And that fucking terrified me.
I remember hearing girls in elementary school talking about me. And I remember having to be on the defense all of the time. In middle school, I learned that if you made jokes about yourself first, the ones that others made about you, didn’t hit as well. So I started cracking jokes about my weight. Being the funny fat girl was a role I played. When you make people laugh about something else, they’re laughing with you, and not at you, and that saved me, somewhat.
Bullying was a fucking bitch. I don’t talk about it often, but it completely changed me, and formed me into the person I am today. I had pictures of pigs put in my locker. I had groups of girls, (who to this day like my pictures on social media and comment “yes queen”) mock me at parties, online, and in class.I remember being in high school, and specifically having a very popular, athletic, attractive boy, message me on AIM. He asked me if at a pool party, he could “grab my ass” because he thought I was pretty. I never felt pretty, and I remember taking this as a huge compliment. Turned out, in a shocking turn of events, that he showed this to all of his friends, and it became a huge joke among groups of friends, whom I avoided for the rest of my time on Long Island.
As a 26 year old, single, plus size girl, I’m tired of being the funny girl. Laughter is medication, but laughter, as I mentioned before, is also a building block to a wall that we surround ourselves with when we’re afraid of reality. I’ve worked in retail for a very long time, and see day to day that women like me aren’t portrayed in media, in stores, in movies, unless we’re funny. Think of all of the big bitches who actually make it. They’re not serious reformers. They’re comedians.
I follow incredible women on social media who are not afraid to show themselves in bikinis, in underwear, or even nude, and I envy them every fucking day. Because every fucking day, I strive for the confidence to feel THAT beautiful in my own skin. I believe that I have the same right as a woman who weighs 140 lbs to wear whatever the hell I want, and feel good as I wear it. It shouldn’t be considered “brave”to wear a bathing suit, or a pencil skirt, or to show your arms or your stomach.
I haven’t written anything in a very long time because I had nothing to say. I felt like I had said it all already. The “love yourself body posi bitch” went away for a while and didn’t leave her bed. And I missed her. I lost a great love, and lost myself when it happened. And I wanted to be her again. So I fucking did. You’re not a slut if you post something on the internet that isn’t the norm.
So I got out of bed, propped up my iPhone, and took a picture of myself in my panties. And I stared at it for three days before I put it on social media. I stared at my rolls, my cellulite, my split ends, and then I posted it. I fought to be her. I’ve been through my darkest days. Let’s just say I’ve seen some shit. And when I looked at that picture, I didn’t feel angry anymore. I stared at the line of the curve of my hip and I felt beautiful, for the first time, without having to have someone say it first. I embraced it. And that shits wild.
I’m writing because I missed it. Because I finally felt like I could stand behind myself and the words I was saying. I believe that at any size, you should be able to stand in a mirror naked and think “I’m that bitch.” Any gender, any body type, any race, any disability, any sexual orientation, any human fucking being, should be able to feel love for themselves.
Thank you to anyone who has stuck around, reached out, and came the fuck through for me this past year. I’m happy to finally be in a place where I feel comfortable doing something I love again.
Go out; wear what the fuck you want, show off your skin, and enjoy.
All of my love always,
Kristen.
