The test.

A ramble

I've heard in life, just like everything else, we go through seasons. This has been on my mind a lot lately, as I feel like I'm going through one of the toughest seasons I've been faced with so far. I always talk about how moving away from home was one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I will never ever take that back. But along with being one of the best things for me, it has absolutely been one of the hardest. There have been so many times, when I just think, I'm going to pack my shit, and go back to long Island. Nothing terrifies me more than that thought. It has nothing to do with my family, and it has nothing to do with the love that I have for the community and land that I was raised on for twenty years. Long Island is beautiful in so many ways, but I do not belong there anymore.

I know so many people who I have spoken with recently have been in the same boat. If you're a post grad, trying to figure out what your next step is, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We're working endlessly and tirelessly at a sub-par job in order to pay the bills, and pay the rent, and pay the student loans, from the past four years that were riddled with laughter, love, happiness, stress, and a million other emotions. And suddenly, that's it. You're done. You've now completed roughly 16 years of school, and it's time to be a grown up now. How do you evolve into an adult? Do you one day wake up and realize that you're now in a routine? Do you one day wake up and realize, hey, I'm going to be working this job for the next forty years? Or do you change, like the seasons do, and evolve like everything else does?

I'm in the process of packing to move out of an apartment that I worked my ass off for a year, and struggled every month to pay the rent and utilities, but loved so deeply because for a brief moment in my story, I had something that was mine. I didn't care that for the last thirteen months, I was hungry more than I wasn't, over drafted my account and put myself into a swimming pool of debt, and was literally out of the apartment more than I was in it in order to afford to be able to put my little blue key in the door, unlock it, and lay on my broken mattress, because it was mine. Now, I've figured out about half of my next step. I used to be the type of girl to have a five month plan, regardless of anything in the world that could get in my way. I always had plans for every situation. I don't anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to go. But right now, I'm enjoying the season I'm in as much as my heart will let me.

I ruined something a few months ago that meant so much to me, and it absolutely destroyed the path that I was on; my five year plan to be exact. I take full responsibility for my fuck-ups, but I also see them as demented stepping stones on this journey. Moving 780 miles forward and taking a couple steps backwards may have changed my path, but I'm starting to see that this is only my test. I've never been good at tests before, and normally I need time to prepare, so I guess this is more of a pop-quiz.

So I'm reaching out to you, reading this. Have you been through this test before? Because it's hell. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, scream, or smile when I'm faced with questions about work and school and moving, so on and so forth.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I need to know that it's not just me, and that I'm not alone in this misguided season.

All of my love,
K.

Allodoxaphobia.

Definition:

The fear of opinions.

The hardest part of being a girl in our society today is having to deal with our own self conscious thoughts due to opinions we have heard from others. I know I touch on this often, but tonight I feel like I really need to just free a few things from my burdened mind. 

I've come past the point of being afraid to wear certain things, and I'm starting to take pride in certain inches of my "flawed" body, but every day is a constant struggle. Not just, you know, "the struggle is hard", haha, move on, type struggle. The struggle of not wanting to get out of bed. The struggle of trying on every shirt in your closet twice and then contemplating calling out of work because you're so embarrassed of the way your arms,or your stomach, or your chest looks in it. Sending yourself into anxiety attacks and risking relationships because you've been so hurt by opinions that people have had of you in the past, or things they've said, is a more than a struggle. It's pain. 

I'm here to say this to you in case no one else did today. Please, please, please, say thank you when someone calls you beautiful instead of rejecting the compliment. Do not do this to yourself. You're allowed to feel sexy, and embrace yourself, and let others embrace you regardless of your weight, your skin color, your hair color, your height, and any other characteristic that you see as a flaw. I'm preaching this because it's something I've been trying to work on within myself, and I see it as a step in my body positivity journey. 

I've always been one to criticize myself harder than anyone else would, because I take everything anyone says to the next level. For instance, if someone says "you're fat", I not only hear "you're fat", I hear: you're ugly, you're disgusting, you're repulsive, you're embarrassing, you're not good enough to be loved, and you never will be loved, so on and so forth. But this isn't true. None of it is. Please listen to me, even if you do not know me, or have never met me; people say things in order to deflect negative thoughts about themselves on to you, because they're too weak to handle it. You do not have to do this to yourself. You should get out of bed and fall in love with yourself every fucking morning. You deserve to be loved as strongly as Noah loved Allie, Jack loved Rose, and Johnny loved June. 

I'm sending positive vibes and praying for my anxiety riddled, self conscious readers who are fighting the opinions of others while looking bomb as hell and absolutely kicking ass while doing so.

All of my love, 

Kristen Nicole.