brain dumping.

I don’t know how to even start this post.
It’s 2:15 in the morning, and once again I cant sleep.
So, here we go.

The last three months of have completely changed me.
I no longer know what I want to do, or who I want to be.
Everything has changed.
I feel like I’m on a trip that won’t end.
I feel like I’ve lost my mind, along with just about everything else.
And anything that hasn’t gone, I’ve pushed away.

I no longer believe in a lot of things I clung to for a long time.
The ounce of body image pride I have in me is absolutely fucking wrecked.
I have no idea if I’m ready to take on a major surgery.

Everyone I’ve talked to about this, just tells me I’m making excuses.
Which, to an extent, probably.
But for fucks sake.
How am I supposed to pull of this huge life changing event,
when I can’t get out of bed in the morning?
When I’m forcing myself to see my friends.
And call my family.
And tell them I’m okay.
And that this will take time.

Because I feel like I’ve fucked up everything.
I watched people and opportunity,
walk out of my life.

My brain has imploded.
How much can a girl take,
I mean seriously, damn.

I feel like nothing is real anymore.
I don’t find excitement in things I used to.
It takes every ounce of me to get dressed for work.
And just about everything else to actually get out of the car.

I’m writing this because I need to.
Because if I keep this shit bottled up any longer, I’ll lose it.
And I know I’m not the only one who goes through this,
So maybe you’ll find comfort in not feeling alone.

I also need to say thank you.
And I’m sorry.
For pushing you away.
To some of the most amazing support system I could ever have.
Thank you for listening to me, when I know you’re tired of it.
Drunk, crying, screaming, and not talking at all.
I thank you.


I don’t know what else to say.