I need to vent.
So if you're not ready to hear me ramble, I'd run now.
Maybe I'm being over dramatic, or maybe I'm just crazy. But it's half past midnight and I was going through old photos on my phone ( and honestly I cannot believe I've had my IPhone for this long) and seeing pictures of my hometown are really hitting me hard.
I've lived here my whole life.
Twenty years.
Never been south of Virginia, never been west of Pennsylvania, and I've been up to Maine. What sick inner conscience is telling me to pack my boxes full of those twenty years and move to a new state, that I've never been to, and start a new life? Is it strange that I want to leave? Is it? I know I need a change. I know I can do this. But talking about it, and actually doing it are two completely different things.
I'm excited.
And please family if you're reading this don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited. I am excited for a fresh start out of this tired old town. I know there are better things for me south of the Mason Dixon. I am beyond blessed that my family is so incredibly supportive of me. I just wish I could see the future. I wish I could see where I'll be in five months, ten months, two years, ten years. Don't you? This is where the whole religious debate comes into play, and I'm not even going to get into that. But, if God or a higher power does exist, does he have a plan for me? Is my future laid out and I'm just strolling along a pre-determined route? Okay, maybe I am crazy.
Crazy is buying place settings for a table of four before you have a down payment on an apartment. Crazy is buying canisters, Windex, and dish soap for a kitchen that you've never seen. Crazy is falling so in love with a place you've never been. Crazy is me. I am so determined to make my future as bright and as beautiful as I possibly can. I hope you, whoever you are reading this (if you've hung in there this long, I sincerely thank you) is as excited as I am for what lies before us.
This world is sick, and cruel as we've seen in the past week. There's a whole lot of evil out there. My issues are ridiculously stupid compared so people who have been through the hand that the world has dealt them this week. I pray for you, to whoever is up there. I pray that like I said earlier, your future is bright. Take each step as it is. Take a deep breath. We're all in this together.( I'm rambling. I need to do this though. If anyone has ever found comfort in writing, or any form of expression, you'll know how relieving this is after a long day.)There's an incredible song on the " We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things" album by Jason Mraz called Details in the Fabric. It features James Morrison and has been my serenity for the past five years. When I'm high, (no, not literally), it brings me back down, and when I'm low, it lifts me back up. If you've ever heard it, you'll know what I mean. Maybe to me it just has greater meaning, but I have never been so in love with a piece of music in my life. I'm listening to it right now, and that's why I'm raving about it. I've been so stressed lately, between school and work and making these crazy future plans that I'm making.
Anyway, there's a line that says:
" Are the details in the fabric, are the things that make you panic, are your thoughts results of static cling? Are the things that make you blow, hell no reason go on and scream. If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing."
And that made me fall in love with this song.
And it brings me back down.
End rant.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Thank you, once again, if you've read along this whole jumbled mess of a diary entry. I appreciate it.
We're in this together.
I'll talk to you all soon.
Until then,
-K.
" And everything will be fine."
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