brain dumping.

I don’t know how to even start this post.
It’s 2:15 in the morning, and once again I cant sleep.
So, here we go.

The last three months of have completely changed me.
I no longer know what I want to do, or who I want to be.
Everything has changed.
I feel like I’m on a trip that won’t end.
I feel like I’ve lost my mind, along with just about everything else.
And anything that hasn’t gone, I’ve pushed away.

I no longer believe in a lot of things I clung to for a long time.
The ounce of body image pride I have in me is absolutely fucking wrecked.
I have no idea if I’m ready to take on a major surgery.

Everyone I’ve talked to about this, just tells me I’m making excuses.
Which, to an extent, probably.
But for fucks sake.
How am I supposed to pull of this huge life changing event,
when I can’t get out of bed in the morning?
When I’m forcing myself to see my friends.
And call my family.
And tell them I’m okay.
And that this will take time.

Because I feel like I’ve fucked up everything.
I watched people and opportunity,
walk out of my life.

My brain has imploded.
How much can a girl take,
I mean seriously, damn.

I feel like nothing is real anymore.
I don’t find excitement in things I used to.
It takes every ounce of me to get dressed for work.
And just about everything else to actually get out of the car.

I’m writing this because I need to.
Because if I keep this shit bottled up any longer, I’ll lose it.
And I know I’m not the only one who goes through this,
So maybe you’ll find comfort in not feeling alone.

I also need to say thank you.
And I’m sorry.
For pushing you away.
To some of the most amazing support system I could ever have.
Thank you for listening to me, when I know you’re tired of it.
Drunk, crying, screaming, and not talking at all.
I thank you.


I don’t know what else to say.

“Insatiable” preview thoughts

Hi y’all,

I just need to vent about something, and this is probably the best way to do it.

I keep seeing advertisements for the upcoming Netflix series titled “Insatiable,” and they’ve made me so furious. I’m not the type of person to bash on a tv series, because honestly I don’t watch a lot of series. It’s not my thing to binge watch a show unless is truly catches my eye. But this, disgusting misrepresentation of a plus sized girl is actually appalling.

If you haven’t seen it, search for it on YouTube to get the full understanding of where I’m coming from. Within the first 30 seconds of the preview, the main character appears, a blonde, clearly “fat suited” girl, by the name of patty. And apparently, everyone hates her, makes fun of her, and has nicknamed herself “fatty patty.” It’s mentioned that “while all the people in high school were losing their virginity, she was stuffing another hole.”

With that comes my first point. The message that this is basically conveying, is that if you’re fat, people will not find you sexually attractive, and therefore you’ll be alone unless you fit into societies idea of what “attractive” is. Also, it makes the point that plus sized people just sit and shove their gullets with food, and do nothing else with their time. Lovely Netflix, great message.

Moving along into the next minute...
Instilling the idea that “not eating for a few months” will make you lose all of your excess weight and become beautiful. This actually made me really upset. Now, for one thing, the main character gets punched in the fucking mouth and has her jaw wired shut, and can’t eat. But this message is so dangerous, especially to younger guys and girls. “Just don’t eat, and you’ll become hot and everyone will like you” is essentially what’s being told her. Is this a fucking joke? Are you trying to trigger eating disorders? I can’t even count the amount of times in my life I’ve thought of just stopping eating to lose weight. This is incredibly unhealthy to portray.

And then...

“Patty” ponders at her desk, and tries to decide who she wants to be in her new image...choosing between “the brain, the jock, or the princess.” Like no plus size girl has ever been smart, athletic, or the star of the show. It just doesn’t make sense to me that in 2018 this is the type of smut that directors are coming up with.

But right at the end, they just sew it all up into a revenge plot. Like that’s a wonderful idea. Tell all the girls who watch this that once they’ve achieved level “pretty and skinny” to go fight other girls and set people on fire. Makes sense in a world where 15 year olds are walking into high schools with automatic weapons and wiping out their classmates. Great idea.


The thing that really bothers me about this whole fucking this, is that the actress...”patty” in the beginning, is wearing a fucking fat suit. I know the character has to stay the same facial wise, but really? You couldn’t have hired a different actress? Two different girls to portray the same role? Is been done a thousand times, but okay whatever.


I know this was long winded, but it’s been on my mind for a few days and I had to say SOMETHING. it’s fucking gross and disgusting that in a social media frenzied world where we’re all trying our best to love ourselves, this nonsense comes out. “Dark humor” is right.

What are your thoughts? Let me know

Until then,
K.

Nothing.

I hadn't slept.
I packed my bag.
A sheet, sunscreen,
a water bottle,
and headphones.
That was all I needed.
Simple.

I couldn't look at myself.
Hungover.
I locked the door.
I slid the key under the mat.
Longing.

It was 4:30am.
That didn't matter.
The road was empty.
So was I.

I played the same song.
It had no words.
For three hours.
Its a minute and a half long.
It was the only thing,
that made sense.
Nothing.

I don't remember driving.
I wasn't in my body.
I stopped when the land did.
Gone.

I walked and watched.
Lovers walking and holding hands.
Devastated.

I laid my sheet down.
I stared at the sea.
For three more hours.
I walked in the ocean.
Cold.

I burned.
The waves crashed.
But still I felt nothing.
And it felt like home.
So far away.
800 miles.

Life is so fucked up.
Love is so fucked up.
Yet here I am.
Living.
Alive.

And i feel nothing.

Reflecting on deflecting.

Hello lovelies,

I kind of wanted to talk about something today I've never really admitted or spoken out about. I've been thinking a lot about it and maybe someone else has felt the same way, so here I go.

I was asked recently about how old I was when I started doing my "winged liner." If you know me, I've done a bold liquid eyeliner wing for a super long time. It's become part of what I like to think is my signature look, along with my hair. I was probably 12 or 13. I don't particularly remember a specific age when I began really getting into makeup. But I had a TON of it in jr. high and high school.

Thinking about it now, I never admitted it to myself, but those things are what deflected peoples attention from the fact that I was, and am still fat. I always thought that if my hair and makeup were perfect, I was somehow not just the "fat" girl. If I wore cute clothes and stayed in style with the popular girls, even though I could never fit in the stores they shopped, I knew I'd be golden.

I knew that if I was funny, and made jokes about myself before other people said mean things, they'd be less inclined to say them at/in front of me.

Going through this journey has opened my eyes to a lot of small things I've done subconsciously to try to steer peoples attention away from my stomach, my arms, my hips, anything really. I remember crying  and begging my mom to take me to CVS before school because my hair straightner broke and I refused to let my hair look bad.

Makes sense, right?
Well, to me it did, and still, sometimes, does.
Simply because, people are so shallow, that it makes it easy to deflect someones attention from one flaw to something I saw as "better."

I'm just sort of embracing the "carefree" kind of aspect of life now. When it comes down to it, if you're a shitty person, I don't want you anywhere near me. A bad heart is very clear to see quickly.

Cheers to throwing garbage people out and leaving them in 2017.

Thank you to everyone for all of the love and support lately.
Yall mean the world to me.

xo, K.

Self love.

Hello lovelies,

What a month it’s been. Happy spring everyone! I hope the weather is more stable by you than it is here in charlotte ( I honestly think mother nature’s anxiety has been worse than mine lately). 

I just wanted to come do a little update on what’s been going on with me recently. I know a lot of you follow me on other social media’s, but if you don’t, or just felt like reading, I’m back y’all.

So this month really kicked off my Vertical Sleeve Gastroectomy prerequisites. I visited my nutritionist for the first time, and have been in the full swing of my new diet. Not only is the diet very hard for me, but I’ve come to realize how addicted to food I truly am. I’ve quit smoking, with help from a Juul vape which makes me look like I’m 18 again, and that was a mindfuck in itself. But honestly, was not that hard compared to giving up soda and junk food. Hearing the surgeon tell me that I could be dead by 40 if I continued living the lifestyle I was leading absolutely shocked me. 

I’ve come so far from where I was when I was in high school in the “body image department.” I didn’t realize that “treating yo self” and “binging” are two totally different things. It’s all well and good to have a treat once in a while, because if you don’t, you might just lose your mind. But I got to the point where I was eating shit food every single day, and a lot of it at that, because I felt like I was allowed. And that’s what caused me to get to this point. 

I’ve been asked a lot recently “why” im doing this surgery, or why I’m choosing to post so actively on social media about it. Honestly, I know I’m not alone in this journey. It’s a journey of self love and learning to better myself. I’ve realized that so many people think that getting this WLS is about hating your body, but that’s not true at all for me. I’ve learned to love myself over the last five years so much more than I ever had before, and I decided it was time to prove it. To me. For me. I want to live a long time. I want to travel the world and not worry about having to buy two plane seats, or breaking chairs, or fitting on roller coasters. It’s very simple. And this surgery is just a tool to help me get there.

I’ve made an Instagram (kristenvsgjourney) entirely to document this process because I don’t want to inundate everyone with “diet” related posts because for real, it can be exhausting. And so many of y’all have been so supportive already, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Here’s to a new month, and a new me.

Love always,

K.

25.

Happy end of February everyone

So here I am, once again, at two o’clock in the morning, spilling my guts onto my phone, and out to whoever may read this. I posted it on my Twitter before, but a thread can only be so long before you roll your eyes. So, luckily for y’all, you clicked on this, hopefully prepared for a bit of a rant. 

Yesterday, February 24th 2018, was my 25th birthday. Crazy, right? A couple of my closest friends and I decided to go out to celebrate at a bar where I spent 95% of my money, and some of my parents money too, in college (I’m sorry mom). These girls are my family here. We are thick as thieves. I would do anything for them. And I am so blessed to have been able to spend my night with them.

A bit of pretext here for those who I don’t see very often. I am very focused on getting my life in order lately. I don’t go out often. Before last night, I hadn’t had more than two drinks in probably a year. It’s just not my scene anymore. My anxiety combined with the fact that my days off are spent sleeping, kind of stops me from bar hopping. I was excited to get dolled up and go out to my old stomping grounds. 

I decided to do my hair and makeup before I picked an outfit. I felt like 12 million bucks. I called Brandon about seven times during that whole process to show him. My makeup looked bomb as fuck, and my hair was making me feel some type of way. You couldn’t have told me anything. I was on top of the world. Until I walked into my closet. My go to outfit is a pencil skirt with some type of top tucked in. Always has been, because my body is shaped like a blown up hourglass. I went directly for the skirt. And next, I reached into my underwear drawer, and I felt my entire disposition change. My spanx weren’t there. I tore my closet apart. 

I felt my chest get heavy, and I pulled every piece of underwear out of the drawer, and the shirts out of the next, and so on and so forth. I started to tear up. I had just put lashes on, I knew I couldn’t waste them. That’s logic, right? I went in, touched up my eyeliner, and then continued searching for them. I still have no idea where they could be. In the meantime, I went into Jacki a room while she was picking out an outfit. I don’t think she knew how badly I was panicking, but she always makes me laugh. She was picking at herself in the mirror, just how I was minutes prior. I listened to words pour out of my mouth about how tonight we were going to be strong, and brave, and wear what we wanted. And she put on an outfit that looked incredible on her. She is so beautiful. I put the pencil skirt on, and we went off to celebrate. 

I went to the bathroom four times to make sure my stomach wasn’t hanging out, or that the makeshift spanx I created weren’t creating lines. I tugged and pulled and twisted until I was drunk enough that I forgot to look. And the final time I looked in the mirror, I was 17 again. Hating everything about myself. Hearing the girls in gym make fun of me for trying too hard. I had to pretend to be in a stall so I could breathe for a second because I swear the air was not in my lungs anymore. 

We had a great time. My friends and I danced and joked and stayed out late, and at the end of the night we all hugged, said our I love yous, and went home. I stayed in my room until four o’clock today. I couldn’t pull myself out of bed, except to vomit, and wash my face. 

Anxiety got the best of my night, but it will not ruin the memories I made yesterday, and it will not ruin me, or my friends.

I know, I fucking know that someone, somewhere, has felt this way before. And I guess the reason I’m writing this tonight is to tell you that you are not alone. We are in this together. I will stand before you and behind you. We will beat this. 

Cheers to that 17 year old girl who didn’t think she’d make it, and to the girl who turned 25 yesterday. And to you. 

All of my love,

K.

New skincare find!

Hi lovelies,

Just a quick little post about a product I purchased and instantly fell in love with. I went to Walgreens to get some eye drops, and of course wandered through the beauty and skincare section.

They had a ton of different face masks, but I just wanted something simple that would cleanse my skin while it was actually behaving. Winter has been good to my skin aside from a bit of dryness, but that’s nothing a little moisturizer cant fix. 

I picked up the L’Oreal Pure Clay Cleanser, and tried it this afternoon. The thing that intrigued me about it was that it said it was a detoxing brightening cleanser, and not essentially a mask. I put a bit in my hands and added a bit of water before applying to my face. It set on my face like a mask, but when I added water it turned into a creamy mousse cleanser. 

After rinsing it off, my skin instantly felt so fresh, and looked super healthy!

I can see this being a new essential in my routine.

Have y’all found any new favorites in the drugstore so far this year?

Let me know!

Until then,

-k. 

January Jams

Just a little list of what filled my playlist this month,

and probably the weirdest mix you'll see...

Lonely Call - Raelynn

This One's for you - Luke Combs

No Limit - gEazy ft ASAP Rocky & Cardi B

As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional

Prayer of the Refugee - Rise Against

 I Fall Apart- Post Malone

Diane - Cam

Tuxedo - Clare Dunn

Amelia Jean - Jack's Mannequin 

Miss Murder - AFI

Bored to Death - Blink 182

Five Tattoos - Ella Henderson

Angela - The Lumineers

( and really anything else by them...)

What have y'all been singing in the car?

Let me know!

Until then, 

-K

January favorites 💕

Hi lovelies, 

I’ve got way too much stuff to talk about to compose and intro for y’all,
so let’s just jump into it. 

Your girl absolutely raided the bath and body works semi annual sale,
just FYI. If you didn’t, you need to prep for the next one.
I found some of my new absolute favorite products there,
and for super cheap. 

- Snowy Morning shower gel (price after sale $3)

This smells like  heaven, and it isn’t heavily scented like Christmas.
The notes are: frosted bergamot,
mistletoe berry, and snow kissed lavender....
which I mean who really knows what any of those smell like,
but all mashed together, they make an amazing combo.

- White body spray and Rose Body spray ($3.50 after sale)

Both of these took me by surprise.
I purchased the rose spray first,
pretty much because of the packaging,
and fell in love.
I love floral perfumes,
just so long as I don’t smell like the inside of a funeral home.
This one is light and easy to wear.
White is absolutely out of this world.
It smells kind of like dolce and gabbana light blue,
which is why I think it’s quickly become my everyday scent. 

New drugstore must haves...

that honestly left me wondering

where the hell I've been for the last year: 

- Airspun loose face powder ($5.97 Walmart)

Again I say...WHERE HAVE I BEEN.
I’ve never really jumped on the “baking” makeup bandwagon,
but it really truly helps your makeup stay in place all day.
This powder isn’t heavy,
and doesn’t leave you looking like you actually baked
and covered your face in flour.
I’m obsessed.

- Maybelline Big Shot Colassal Mascara ($6.99 Target)



I'm super picky when it comes to mascara,
and up until recently I couldn't find one that
with just a coat or two would create volume and length
without looking gross.
This is such a good formula, and doesn't budge all day.
I have stubby lashes,
and this truly makes them look long and thicc with 2 c's.

- Dove Dermacare scalp Anti dandruff shampoo ($4.99 Target)




I love Dove shampoo anyway,
but in the winter when your scalp gets a little too oily, or too dry,
this shampoo  does the trick without making your hair feel striped.
I know, a dandruff shampoo favorite?
But hell yeah.
This shit is amazing, and smells great too.

What have you been loving this month?
Let me know!

Until then,
K.

Let’s talk about it: weight loss surgery

So, honestly,  I never thought I would be writing something like this. It’s probably going to be a bit ramble-y but I mean so are all my other posts so wtf else is new. 

My mind is jumbled so if I jump back and forth with thoughts, please forgive me. 

I’ve decided to take a huge step and actively pursue the journey that is weight loss surgery. My weight has gotten out of hand, and I feel like I am no longer in control of my body, and that scares me. I’ve taken the first steps in my journey to changing my life for the better and for that I’m proud of myself, for noting the problem, and for trying to make a change. Depending on insurance, and doctors, I’ll have a date soon. 

I made this page initially to talk about makeup tips and tricks, and it turned into a body positivity page, and I love it. I’ve talked about ups and downs and struggles and I’ve met so many people who feel similar to the way I do about being plus sized. I see nothing wrong with it. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Your curves are yours to love. Once I saw my health and mental health taking a turn, I decided I needed a change, and a big one at that. I will always continue to push people to work on loving themselves first. 

The crazy thing is, I’ve never been “skinny” or “average” when it comes to weight. I have no idea what I will look like, or feel like, and that’s something that has played with my head a lot lately. I’m just ready to be able to run. I want to grow old. I want to be able to breathe. I want to watch my someday nieces and nephews and goddaughter and cousins grow up. And I want to travel with the love of my life and not have to worry about breaking chairs. It’s little things that some people never think about that have became my life. Stupid things. Like clothing. Which my life revolves around as a person with a bachelors in fashion. It’s just mind blowing to think about really. 

I’m looking forward to using my blog to document my path through this, and I promise I won’t turn into an annoying health guru. 

If you have had any type of bariatric surgery, I’d love to hear about it, as I’m very nervous going into this thing. Feel free to comment or email or comment on my social media’s. 

I love you all and I can’t wait to see how things change.

X,

Kristen. 

2018.

Well, hello there everyone.

I'd like to start by wishing everyone a very happy new year,
and I hope that y'all had a great holiday season.
Each year I've posted right after the new year a bit of a reflection
and a bit of what I hope is to come in these next 11 months.

2017 was a weird year, right?
It was full of tragedy, awful politics, and fucked up weather.
But, it was also full of movement.
And I think that it's really important to focus on that.
There was such a feeling of change in the air,
between protests, marches, and powerful people letting their
opinions flow freely. It shows that we are not stuck.
Watching #nomore and #timesup take over the internet
was so incredible, and I am so proud of the women who are
changing our country.

Personally, 2017 was a year of change as well. I've seen myself growing in a way that I really hadn't before. I'm still an absolute mess, but I'm talking about growth that can't be seen in person. Mentally the year was tough. I "deal" with anxiety daily. Some days are fine, and others I can't seem to pull myself out of "it." I've began putting a voice behind these struggles and asking for help, which is something I've never done. Put yourself first for once. Anxiety and depression are extremely serious and shouldn't be toyed with. You're allowed to ask for help.

I've also been on a path to a better me, which I'm planning on writing another post on completely. But I can't wait to finally grow into the best version of myself.

I hope you've given yourself time to relax and enjoy the season.
I can't wait to see what 2018 has to hold for all of us.

All of my love, and wishes for the best.

-K.