22.

You're allowed to feel sexy.

I'm a size 22 and this photo encompasses the first 

moment in 23 years I've actually loved my body.

I saw beauty in curves and along lines that

I had despised every moment previously.

Stop wearing clothing that covers you 

like a potato sack.

You deserve more.

Wear what you love.

Wear what you want. 

Embrace your "flaws."

Flaunt them.

Love them. 

please.

A simple black lace bralette

and cotton/spandex blend pencil skirt

changed my entire outlook of my body.

What will change yours?

Love always, 

k.

November/December favorites.

hello lovelies.

I've been trying out a couple of new, higher end products lately and anytime 

I try something I think is worth the pennies,

 I feel the need to tell you lovely people.

1. La Roche-Posay Micellar Water for sensitive skin.

- I've always loved micellar waters for removing makeup. I hate using any products that are oil based, as my skin is already pretty tricky to decipher on a day to day basis. I've tried cheaper versions of this product, which also work well (Simple Micellar Water as well as Garnier's version), but I feel like this product is so worth the money. I use a tiny bit on a exfoliating cotton round to remove my face and eye makeup, and I don't feel as though I have to tug or pull to take any of it off. 

2. Becca Highlighter "Moonstone."

- As a curvy girl, I've always been about contouring to try to hide the fact that my cheeks are a little chunky. Whenever I saw anyone highlighting I was so confused. I decided to try it out, and I'm obsessed.  The shade is more skin toned than a typical white highlighter, super easy to blend, and does not look fake or too showy. It perfectly accentuates wherever it's placed. I love using it down the bridge of my nose, and on my cupid's bow. 

3. Mario Badescue Drying Lotion.

- Holy hell y'all. I cannot express my feelings towards this product. My skin isn't acne prone, but like any other girl, I get the occasional spot that makes me want to crawl into a hole. My best friend swore by this product for so long, but being stubborn I stuck to my regime. I tried this about three weeks ago on some blemishes and they literally dispersed overnight. It's alcohol based, and is extremely strong, so use it sparingly. I'm in love. 

4. Jo Malone "Peony & Blush Suede."

- I have found my signature scent, and of course it's expensive, but finding a product that perfectly captures the notes that fit well on your skin, and your preference is seriously exciting. Maybe just to me, but who knows. Jo Malone is renowned in the fragrance industry and it's easy to understand why. With simplistic yet beautiful packaging and a strong but soft scent that lasts throughout the day, I've never been so satisfied with a perfume.

5. Urban Decay Naked Lipgloss "Beso."

- I'm not a glossy lip kind of girl. Never have been, never will be, (except for in junior high when all of my friends and I would use our lunch money to buy Victoria's Secret tubes of lipgloss and pile them on at lunch). I read a post the other day, and decided to give it another try. I found the perfect "your lips but better" shade from none other than the same manufacturer of my favorite palettes. "Beso" is not sticky, light, and easy to wear regardless of occasion. Seriously, living for this shade.

Enough rambling, now it's your turn.

What have been your must haves this month?

Love always, 

K.

Sipping champagne and setting standards.

Two months without a formal post, I know, 
I am the worst blogger in the history of all blogs. 
You're welcome. 

Well, hello again. 

I hope everyone is having a lovely December so far, 
and I'm wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and happy holiday season
in advance just in case I decide to encounter another serious bit of writers block.

The thing about me, and this page, is I don't want to force anything. 
I never want any of my writing to feel like it's being pulled out of no where, 
and thrown out onto this page. I had been thinking about this for the past week, 
as I have been trying to seriously set my standards a bit higher than I have been lately.

I saw myself falling back into old ways of thinking, and just feeling constantly down.
This year has been rough, and I know it's been a tough one on everyone. 
I met someone new, who has brought out a light in me that 
I haven't seen in myself in a while.

I think everyone needs someone who forces you to
raise your opinion of yourself to a higher level.
I think everyone deserves someone who hears about one of your flaws, 
and raises you two positives. 

Recently I became so tired with my routine and 
I just saw my old ways coming back to life, 
and I actually hated it so much, I decided that I was over it.
With a push, strong words of encouragement,
and a bit of a reality check from my family, friends, and my new love, 
I decided to stop settling for unhappiness.
I've worked my ass off and deserve what I work for. 

While sipping cheap champagne out of a gelato container, 
I cheers to you.
Here's to a December of raised standards, love, and pure joy.
(and more posts, I promise.)

Love always, 
K.

The test.

A ramble

I've heard in life, just like everything else, we go through seasons. This has been on my mind a lot lately, as I feel like I'm going through one of the toughest seasons I've been faced with so far. I always talk about how moving away from home was one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I will never ever take that back. But along with being one of the best things for me, it has absolutely been one of the hardest. There have been so many times, when I just think, I'm going to pack my shit, and go back to long Island. Nothing terrifies me more than that thought. It has nothing to do with my family, and it has nothing to do with the love that I have for the community and land that I was raised on for twenty years. Long Island is beautiful in so many ways, but I do not belong there anymore.

I know so many people who I have spoken with recently have been in the same boat. If you're a post grad, trying to figure out what your next step is, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We're working endlessly and tirelessly at a sub-par job in order to pay the bills, and pay the rent, and pay the student loans, from the past four years that were riddled with laughter, love, happiness, stress, and a million other emotions. And suddenly, that's it. You're done. You've now completed roughly 16 years of school, and it's time to be a grown up now. How do you evolve into an adult? Do you one day wake up and realize that you're now in a routine? Do you one day wake up and realize, hey, I'm going to be working this job for the next forty years? Or do you change, like the seasons do, and evolve like everything else does?

I'm in the process of packing to move out of an apartment that I worked my ass off for a year, and struggled every month to pay the rent and utilities, but loved so deeply because for a brief moment in my story, I had something that was mine. I didn't care that for the last thirteen months, I was hungry more than I wasn't, over drafted my account and put myself into a swimming pool of debt, and was literally out of the apartment more than I was in it in order to afford to be able to put my little blue key in the door, unlock it, and lay on my broken mattress, because it was mine. Now, I've figured out about half of my next step. I used to be the type of girl to have a five month plan, regardless of anything in the world that could get in my way. I always had plans for every situation. I don't anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to go. But right now, I'm enjoying the season I'm in as much as my heart will let me.

I ruined something a few months ago that meant so much to me, and it absolutely destroyed the path that I was on; my five year plan to be exact. I take full responsibility for my fuck-ups, but I also see them as demented stepping stones on this journey. Moving 780 miles forward and taking a couple steps backwards may have changed my path, but I'm starting to see that this is only my test. I've never been good at tests before, and normally I need time to prepare, so I guess this is more of a pop-quiz.

So I'm reaching out to you, reading this. Have you been through this test before? Because it's hell. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, scream, or smile when I'm faced with questions about work and school and moving, so on and so forth.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I need to know that it's not just me, and that I'm not alone in this misguided season.

All of my love,
K.

Allodoxaphobia.

Definition:

The fear of opinions.

The hardest part of being a girl in our society today is having to deal with our own self conscious thoughts due to opinions we have heard from others. I know I touch on this often, but tonight I feel like I really need to just free a few things from my burdened mind. 

I've come past the point of being afraid to wear certain things, and I'm starting to take pride in certain inches of my "flawed" body, but every day is a constant struggle. Not just, you know, "the struggle is hard", haha, move on, type struggle. The struggle of not wanting to get out of bed. The struggle of trying on every shirt in your closet twice and then contemplating calling out of work because you're so embarrassed of the way your arms,or your stomach, or your chest looks in it. Sending yourself into anxiety attacks and risking relationships because you've been so hurt by opinions that people have had of you in the past, or things they've said, is a more than a struggle. It's pain. 

I'm here to say this to you in case no one else did today. Please, please, please, say thank you when someone calls you beautiful instead of rejecting the compliment. Do not do this to yourself. You're allowed to feel sexy, and embrace yourself, and let others embrace you regardless of your weight, your skin color, your hair color, your height, and any other characteristic that you see as a flaw. I'm preaching this because it's something I've been trying to work on within myself, and I see it as a step in my body positivity journey. 

I've always been one to criticize myself harder than anyone else would, because I take everything anyone says to the next level. For instance, if someone says "you're fat", I not only hear "you're fat", I hear: you're ugly, you're disgusting, you're repulsive, you're embarrassing, you're not good enough to be loved, and you never will be loved, so on and so forth. But this isn't true. None of it is. Please listen to me, even if you do not know me, or have never met me; people say things in order to deflect negative thoughts about themselves on to you, because they're too weak to handle it. You do not have to do this to yourself. You should get out of bed and fall in love with yourself every fucking morning. You deserve to be loved as strongly as Noah loved Allie, Jack loved Rose, and Johnny loved June. 

I'm sending positive vibes and praying for my anxiety riddled, self conscious readers who are fighting the opinions of others while looking bomb as hell and absolutely kicking ass while doing so.

All of my love, 

Kristen Nicole. 

Falling.

"Don't let this moment go to waste, 

you don't know when the feeling could happen again.."

Sometimes you have to scare yourself.

Find your darkest point, and climb the ladder slowly back to light.

Show your scars, and show your flaws.

Sometimes you need to fall.

Whether it's a push, or a leap, 

you need to dive in and find yourself again. 

Make exceptions to the ideas you have about things.

Open your mind to the fact that there are people, 

who actually believe you're beautiful.

See what they see.

When you find yourself again, 

let others find you too.

You don't need to fear everything, lovely.

Not everyone is who they were.

Let your past burn to ashes, 

and leave it in the past.

You're allowed to move on.

Things change.

It's real.

Allow others to see your incredible soul.

Allow your heart to open again.

Allow it to feel.

As terrifying as it is, 

it's worth it.

Love always, 

K.

The girl in the butterfly bikini.

Hello my lovelies, 

I can't believe it is already the end of August. 

It seems like just yesterday we were scrambling to prepare for Spring break,

 and now summer is starting to slip away. 

It is truly incredible how quickly time flies. 

Summer may be ending for you, but here in the South, 

it's still hotter than hell, and not seeming to ease up any. 

This gives all of us a bit more time to go to the beach, lake, or pool. 

This still gives you a chance to do it. I'm talking to you. 

Pull the tags off, and put it on. If I did it, you can too. 

Three weeks ago, I wore my absolute favorite two piece bathing suit to my pool. 

I have two of them, one is a bit more covering, 

has a fringe-like top that covers my stomach, 

and the bottom is super high waisted. 

The other, the butterfly bikini, is tighter, and covers much less.

This was my destination piece.

If you would have asked me two years ago to even consider trying this on,

 I would have laughed at you. 

But I bought it. And after four months of owning it, and staring at it,

I finally told myself that I could do it. And I did.

And you know what happened?

I was really fucking scared at first. 

I was so convinced even 

walking out of my apartment that I would be mocked.

I was so anxious, I almost felt sick. 

But then, I jumped in.

I swam. I laughed, and I never felt better about my body.

There are walls and barriers that we build in order to protect ourselves.

Normally, these walls are from others, but sometimes, 

the walls harbor you from yourself.

I hope you jump in.

I hope you splash, and laugh, and dive into the water, 

and come up free of worry.

Leave your self conscious thoughts and fears at the bottom of the ocean, 

never to be heard from again.

Listen to me, please.

If you feel like you can't wear it, you can.

You absolutely fucking can, and you will look like a goddess.

Do not waste your summer in a sweater

because you're afraid of the opinions of others.

Why?

It's too damn hot. 

And so are you.

All of my love, 

K,

Aka ( the girl in the butterfly bikini.)

Blessings in a storm.

One minute, you can have everything all planned out....

Your future, your relationships, your job, your outfit, anything and everything has somewhat of a plan behind it typically. Well, for me it always did. 

This summer has been a complete learning experience for me, a test if you will.
A test I refuse to fail..

I know some of you will not agree with my view points, because I'm about to get a bit deep, but here it goes.

I believe that God puts you in a storm to show you just how to embrace the rain. Two months ago I was completely different. Two days ago I was completely different. Last week, I watched as my entire world fell around me, and there was nothing I could do anymore to stop it. If you know me, you'd know how much of a control freak I am, therefore not having the ability to change things caused my whole heart to basically stop. 

When something happens that you cannot control, breathe. Remember to keep breathing. Remember that you're allowed to panic. Do not ever let anyone else control your emotions. If you feel like you need to run, run. If you feel like you need a drink, take a damn drink. Sometimes change fucking sucks, and it's hard, and unexpected, but at the end of the day, everything changes. 

I'm slowly learning to dance in this hurricane. 


I know this post is a bit all over the place, but it's my way of composing the thousands of random things swirling around in my soul.




Just as the sun does everyday, I will rise. 

All of my love, 
K.

5 Things to do Instead of Caring about the T-swift/Kardashian West Drama.

This past week in reality/pop star news has been full of drama between Kanye and Kim Kardashian West, and my former country pop idol, Taylor Swift.

I know it is a riveting subject to focus all of your attention on, but if you need help getting your mind out of the reality show gutter, here are a few suggestions as to what you can be spending your time doing instead...

1. Realizing the two people who are nominated for our highest government position, and one will be running our nation, are also constantly in a twitter battle.

2.Complaining about instagram's new "snap chat-like feature", by using the feature to complain. We make a lot of sense people. Complaining via the platform you're complaining about doesn't really work. ( Also, while you're doing this, you can browse over Kylie's snapchat, or DJ Khaled's, my two other perfect time consumers.)

3. Blending into the crowd of people with their head down, by joining the new Pokemon GO craze, which is already leading to groundbreaking discoveries of new land, and car accidents. This craze, is probably just a phase, so if you chose to do this I suggest jumping on the bandwagon now. Gotta catch-em all, right?

4. Enjoy the summer, maybe?
Put down your phone, turn off your wifi, and if you're not too attached, relax for a minute or two. Take a break from facebook and twitter and just chill. This could be hard though, because if you don't post two status's and a snap to your story that you're relaxing, are you even relaxed?

5. Pay attention to real news, like, you know, things that are actually happening in the world. You know, like the fact that North Korea is saying that the US has declared WAR? I mean, these things are important, but falsified drama between celebrities is way more important.
Just a few suggestions from me, to you.
Happy living.
You're welcome.
Love always,
K.

x

Images obtained using google images.

Because love sucks sometimes, that's why.

A rant about breaking up.

I don't really know where to start this, but here goes nothing.

If he wants to leave you, don't beg him to stay.

If people who love you dearly are telling you he's not good, he's probably not.

If you feel like you are being used, you probably are.

If you don't want to be treated like a doormat, don't act like one.

I'm saying this not only for the sake of posting content,

but maybe, one of you needs to hear this as much as I did a few weeks ago.

You will be okay, and you will make it through this.

Sometimes, you want something to be something it's not so badly,

that you ignore the obvious warning signs, and you decide to stay.

I have gone over text messages, and conversations, and actions in my head over and over and over trying to understand what I did wrong. I have cried and screamed and it's a temporary fix.

Sometimes, it's really not you.

Sometimes, excuses are just, that, excuses.

Sometimes, things just don't work out,

and sometimes it really fucking hurts.

Sometimes, you need to get in your car and drive and

blast melodies that hurt just as much as they help until 5am.

You are not worthless.

You are not a doormat.

You are beautiful, so fucking beautiful.

Your weight does not define how you deserve to be loved.

You deserve to be loved.

You deserve to be with someone who thinks you're the prettiest

when you wake up after sleeping in your makeup after you just worked your ass off.

You deserve to be loved.

What you don't deserve, is to let the "why's" ruin you, because they will.

To anyone suffering from a bruised heart today,

let this be a piece of love from me to you.

Those who really, truly, madly and stupidly love you

won't make you climb mountains to prove your worth.

Love always,

K.

Silenced soul.

I haven't wrote to you in many months, 

and for that I am so so sorry.

I would typically say that I've been busy, 

and work has taken over and all of those cliche phrases we use 

when we don't want to admit to being lazy,

or simply just not doing something.

Tonight, I write to you, 

whoever you are reading this, with a heavy heart.

This week in my country has been filled with violence and hatred 

and scattered posts about guns and politics and faith.

I do not know what to say in a situation like this, 

except my heart and soul are with those who fear the world. 

I am so sorry that we live in a time where love is interpreted

 by an orientation rather than an emotional connection between two perfect beings. 

To my best friends, family, co-workers, strangers on the street, 

who love differently than I do, 

I will forever support you and defend you until my last breath.

I am so sorry that acts of violence like this happen in 2016, 

and have happened in the past. 

I am sorry you have become a topic in a terrorism discussion.
I am sorry you have had your love targeted.
I am sorry that this type of horror still exists.
I am sorry people feel as though they can criticize love.

To my other halves who have held me tight through some 

of the worst days and nights of my life, 

I hope that one day, 

you will feel safe here, 

the way that you made me feel. 

You are so brave. You are loved.

I know this isn't much, 

but I felt as though I should say something. 

To Orlando, 

my heart is with you.

My prayers are for you.

Keep dancing angels.

All of my love, 

Kristen Nicole.